It’s been one of those weeks. We’re all recovering from a wedding, and a string of family events with relatives galore. It’s hot. The kids got sick (after late bedtimes and being around approximately five million cousins this is not shocking), I’m behind on housework everywhere I look. It’s tempting to give in to the doldrums. The wind has gone out of my sails, and I feel, as the old sailors would say, becalmed.
Verb. becalm - leave (a sailing vessel) unable to move through lack of wind. 1
I first heard this term in Jean Lee Latham’s book, Carry on Mr. Bowditch, the delightful true story of a boy, Nat, a self taught mathematician, who changes the course of maritime navigation with his mathematical discoveries. The beginning of the book finds him relegated to life as an indentured servant, trying to figure out how to not despair of the next nine years. A bitter older man tells Nat he’s “becalmed” but a newfound friend interjects to tell him he’s going to “sail by ash breeze”, explaining:
“When a ship is becalmed — the wind died down — she can’t move — sometimes the sailors break out their oars. They’ll row a boat ahead of the ship and tow her. Or they’ll carry out anchors and heave them over, and the crew will lean on the capstan bars and drag the ship up to where the anchors are heaved over. Oars are made of ash — white ash. So — when you get ahead by your own get-up-and-get — that’s when you ‘sail by ash breeze’.” p. 48
Some days, or weeks, or months, or years are an exercise in faithful endurance more than anything else. We don’t always feel the wind pushing us forward. It’s tempting to give in to self pity, wallow in our difficulties or explain all the excuses we have for not doing things, but the truth is that this rarely makes us feel any better. It’s wise to be compassionate to yourself - shame is a terrible motivator - but we have to start moving. We have to pick up the oars and start pulling.
This idea of immobilization, being stuck without any recourse, is disempowering. If we are constantly depending on our external circumstances to be favorable in order to make progress? Well, we may be in the doldrums forever. I don’t want you to mishear me as saying that I’d like you to gloss over your hardships, depression, anxiety or grief. But motion helps all of those things. Moving the tiniest bit towards something good is still closer than you were before. “Sailing by ash breeze” might look quite a bit different day to day, but you are not a victim of your own life. Don’t give your circumstances that power. 2
For almost a year now we’ve been in a very difficult stage with my youngest boy. He’s pushed us to our limits, made me cry, provoked my temper more than I’d care to admit, made me doubt everything I know about parenting. I have felt utterly beside myself, because I simply don’t know what to do. And so I’ve prayed. And I’ve kept doing something. And then doing the next thing. Over and over again. As consistent as I can be (sometimes not very), as kind as I can be (sometimes not very), as creative as I can be (sometimes with dubious results). And I’ve felt like I’m failing pretty much every day.
Yesterday we sat down at lunch to do our Bible reading (and I will confess, the only reason we did it is because my six year old reminded me). My attitude was less than cheerful when his sweet two year old voice piped up,
“Jesus loves me?”
Yes, buddy. Jesus loves you.
“make body?”
Yes. Jesus made your body.
Then the four year old giggles, “B. knows about Jesus?”
Yes he does.
It was such a sweet encouragement. There is something happening in that little head and heart of his. Isn’t that how it goes? Day after day of doldrum despair, sweating and groaning, wondering if you’re going anywhere. And then one day you feel the breeze in your hair and realize your oars are not pulling quite so hard.
As Christians, I think this idea of “sailing by ash breeze” looks a lot like Galatians 6:9
“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone.”
There may be times in our life where we feel trapped and hopeless. But even in those times, God will not be mocked. He sees the work no one else does, he notices your efforts to keep moving forward, no matter how small, and he will not fail you. One of my favorite songs has this refrain,
She loses patience again, She's overshadowed by fear Still she gets on with what needs to be finished, It's beautiful to me. Slowly, slowly, roots will grow to where they find water, Slowly, slowly Your work is happening here.
Stories: I promised stories from the wedding, so let me report. The two year old ring bearer rocked it, despite having woken up feeling not so great that morning. However his 4 year old brother lost an accessory on the way down the aisle and erupted in a full blown meltdown .5 seconds before the bride came down the aisle (I was waiting for the ring bearer entourage in the front pew). This necessitated a very swift exit, three children in tow, down the outside aisle as the bride made her entrance. I gave the sternest “you better stop crying” pep talk of my life and missed the first 1/3rd of the ceremony. C’est la vie. #momlife. But I danced “Footloose” with the baby sleeping in the carrier and she didn’t wake up . You win some, you lose some 😆.
Writing: This poem spilled out this week - I hope it helps give you words if you need them.
Making peace with Wendell Berry One day you will read: “Be joyful though you have considered all the facts.” And you will rage. How dare a poet ask for joy when the nightmare is true, earth shattered, hope swallowed, when all you thought steadfast, sinks suddenly into the void. “DO YOU KNOW THESE FACTS?” The silent scream, that no one hears through your smile. But joy will come, through tears and torment, when you stare unflinching, blinking as the salty water clears leaving your vision unclouded. And you will see the fingerprints of a God who has considered the facts and counted them joy. ©️Annelise Roberts, 2023 *this line is from “Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front”
Life: Sometimes I go around and take pictures of all my ordinary messes. I think I read about someone doing this - how the camera lens helped them be less frustrated. Sometimes you need help to get a different perspective.
Here’s today’s captures: Baby and brother, trucks, books and dinosaurs everywhere, a jungle of a garden, and a sad couch convalescent.
definition courtesy of Oxford Languages
A note here to say, that I have been in the “I can barely get out of bed” stages of chronic illness, or heavily pregnant or confined to the home because I was nursing around the clock. I understand spoon theory. Only you can decide what it is that constitutes your best effort for a day, and if that means you kept everyone alive, that is enough. But “do not abandon yourselves to despair, we are the Easter people, and hallelujah is our song” - Pope John Paul II
Loved this post Annelise! Will add the "sailing by ash breeze" to my inventory of phrases:) We seem to have had some parallels last week -
We also went to a wedding: lots of Macedonian dancing, including the "pig dance" where the godfather of the couple's future children danced with a roasted pig platter on his shoulder while people throw money bills at the pig. However bizarre this may sound it was a wonderful reminder of ancient traditions that are still kept alive, this dating back to a time in the old villages where the couple's only gift would have been a roasted pig and whatever money people could spare.
I literally rowed a boat: after last week I also felt exhausted but decided that I should gather my energies and engage in an activity with my youngest son (11). Thus we took our inflatable double kayak over to the lake and started off - with incredible head wind. Almost two hours later my arms were ready to fall off, but I had a happy boy.
Finally I just wanted to offer you some encouragement. Motherhood allows all of us to discover that we have an inner monster (it lays happily dormant in people without children because they are never pushed to the extremes of their patience by a screaming, uncooperative, jelly-boned toddler). Rest assured that whatever behaviour or situation is driving you to your limits now, will pass. Having older teenagers now (and still remembering the toddler years vividly) I realize now how much easier it was to be able to solve a situation with a snack, a nap, a story, or a walk (or a time out). At this time in their lives you are their main reference person and no matter how challenging it may seem, they love their parents with their entire heart. Thus however strange this may sound: enjoy the chaos.
Finally when my son (then 2ish) learned that "God made him", he asked "huh, with a hammer?"
Thanks again for this morning read :)
So glad I stumbled upon this as I am listening to a certain toddler boy wail in his bedroom while I feed the baby and it’s only 7 in the morning 🥵