Also, if there’s one thing that drives me bonkers, it’s people saying “Oh I could NEVER do what you’re doing.” I didn’t spring fully formed from Zeus’s head knowing how to make bread/nurse a toddler/etc—these are to an extent learnable skills! And I love that you pointed out that the necessary grace generally arrives just in time.
So glad you’re here, Elizabeth! And yes, I often have to remind myself that my kids will not be the same age they are now when I have the baby, or that having more children is not having 5 toddlers at once. We tend to make some funny jumps as we imagine the future, and while it’s always very challenging, it’s never quite what we envision, and we’ve usually grown by the time we get there!
There were too many helpful moments in this essay to list, but one of my favorites was:
“My point in saying this is that you’re never going to get grace before you need it. Isn’t that the life of faith? You take the step, trusting you will have what you need to see it through, but this usually means starting before you’re ready.”
Congratulations! As one who has had some "wait are we pregnant with #4?" testing in recent months.... along with the complicated inner / marital / outward dialogues..... I felt the part below in my bones. It's always going to be countercultural and looked askance upon (even Christian circles) to not take controlling measures past the respectable number of children, so I'm really grateful for you giving us a glimpse into your life and head. That another way of thinking about procreation is at least possible and it's not for the heroic who muster up enough grit. (Is it incredibly weird that I was thinking about you recently and had this thought that you were pregnant??)
"Past a certain number of children, people say some really weird stuff. And when you’re constantly asked, “Are you going to have more7?” it can feel like there’s no winning. Do you say, “Yes! Every two years ‘til I'm dead!” or do you say, “Definitely not.” How can you say that and be sure? Usually I land on, “Well, we’d like to have a little more space, but we’re holding things loosely” and then even this leaves me feeling foolish.
But the truth is that part of humility is learning what matters and whose opinion you care about. It’s growing in awareness of the value of things that are irreplaceable, like souls, and being willing to look foolish or crazy, when that’s what obedience requires. It’s grappling with your own doubts, and holding your plans loosely. It’s painful, but I think maybe it’s very good for us. Living by conviction is never going to make us popular, and it’s likely never going to result in us fitting in. It’s going to be a little humiliating. Being willing to burst the illusory bubble of control isn’t a popular choice, but have you ever really been in control?"
Hahaha! Well, perhaps I communicated subliminally, because I have *almost* spilled the beans in about 10 different comments. I’m so glad to provide some solidarity to the mixed emotions of this journey. It’s really difficult to not just toe the line of convention, but God keeps showing up. And I always look around and think — I don’t know which one of these kids I can imagine not having!
When someone asks the "are you done/will you have more" question, it feels fraught with judgment. And I think it is often, though by no means always, meant that way. The person is trying to figure you out.
Annelise, you give a good response, I think, although I understand the feeling of foolishness, too, which I also feel. But that's the sort of thing I say, too; in our current discernment and my current age, it's something like, "We may not have any more kids, but of course it would be a blessing if a child came anyways!"
That seems to walk the line for me between "none of your beeswax" and "Quiverfull" and "hell no."
It is truly an impossible question, but I try to not get too annoyed by it. I think most people are just trying to wrap their head around a mindset that is so far from the general cultural one. I think maybe it was Emily Stimpson Chapman who had something in a Q&A a while back about how it was probably okay to say you you’d “like” to be done having children, but how leaving the door open for humility and God to work was important. It’s this subtle acknowledgement that our plans are subject to change and we’re not the ultimate authority.
Lol. I don’t have a solid answer either. When I’m feeling charitable with the, “how do you do it all with 5 children?!” question, I usually say, “the grace of the Lord.” Otherwise I say something like, “these people are crazy. What makes you think i’m doing/handling/managing anything?! Have you seen my kids at church?!” Hahaha.
Some good friends just had their 9th and the
husband keeps getting, “so 9? Is that it?” To which he sarcastically responds, “oh yeah. 9. That was the magic number all along. You guessed it.” 😂
I like that, Dixie! We have not yet perfected our own answer..... I think because so many people take permanent measures these days, anything less than "Yep, totally done!" leaves many people perplexed. Your responses here toe the line of extremes thoughtfully.
I'm gonna be honest, I used to just shrug and say, "I don't know." After 10 kids now when I'm asked that question I just say, "Well, we're not planning on it, but only #2,3,4 were planned to begin with so, we're just along for the ride at this point."
Love your future grace reference--God hasn't given you the grace to handle something...because he hasn't asked you to handle it. And when he does, he will. Thanks, Annelise. And truly, congrats.
I always want to see the grace ahead of time and know how it’s going to work, but that’s not the way life goes, so I’m trying to get on board :) Thanks for reading!
Sooo many congrats! What a wonderful witness to trusting God with fertility and his (crazy to us) timing.
There were so many lines from this piece that hit home for me, despite being in a very different (opposite, almost) place in life. Trusting in grace for each day and not the catastrophic hypothetical scenarios I can call to mind is a real thing that God seems to be calling me to work on by, surprise, giving me grace for each day. 😂
Well first, congratulations!! I will certainly be keeping you and family in prayers! And Second, sorry I forgot the warning labels. Those two litanies pack a serious spiritual punch 😅
Wow go you! And congratulations on another precious child. I truly hope it all goes well and I do so appreciate the reminder that when we ask God for things, He may give them in ways we don't expect. It's so easy to put Him in a box!
What an exciting update, congratulations! So many true and quotable parts of this post. As you know we *only* have four kids but we still got a lot of uninvited opinions about having more kids after our second had medical issues. I've never regretted the two that came after, in fact I'm really quite fond (head over heels) of them.
This--"What a gift to be living a good story, even when it might be a bit miserable in the middle" is close to what I had in mind when I named my Substack "Good and Beautiful Things". Not in a Sunday School, Overly Chipper kind of way but in acknowledgement of the undeniable truth that hard is intertwined with the good and the beautiful.
Right? Which of the kids would you not want to have is such an impossible question. As much as I’ve struggled to imagine having them, it would be even harder to imagine the opposite. People just must need to say things. I try not to take it personally but sometimes 😅
Wow, what a journey you’ve been on the last couple of months. I already thought your move was hero level status — but this? Your surrender and trust are inspiring to me!
Honestly I think tiredness and fatigue can be an odd sort of gift that makes it easier to surrender in a way many of us (or at least I) try to muscle through. I’ve done a lot of white knuckling in life, and the times when I’ve been stripped of the energy, physically, to do that but still have to get through challenges in life — have been some of the most fruitful.
Praying continued blessings in your new home! Also… get yourself some Tick Keys. We’ve got one on every set of keys in our house and I keep once in my wallet. 👍🏻
A very sleepy, hungry version 😉 I’m trying to tell myself that at least on the days I can’t get much organizing or unpacking done, that I’m still growing a whole human being (isn’t that just insane? That women walk around for months growing a person?)
Congratulations! I know the ovulating as an act of God moment and that odd mix of humor and fear and elation. Thank you for sharing-it’s always so hopeful to remember we are not lone on this journey that is so counter cultural. And I adore the story metaphor/way of thinking, it helps so so much.
“Odd mix of humor and fear” about sums it up. My text message history to a close friend and my husband around the time I found out is full on roller coaster level 😂
I will never forget telling my husband-it was like something out of a comedy. He was with the two kiddos downstairs trying on Halloween costumes while they shouted for Mama-and I just wordlessly brought down the test
Congrats, Annelise! I get this… and pray for you as your move and pregnancy collide. Hope you’re enjoying NC life, isn’t it beautiful? Lived in Raleigh 10 years. You are by the coast?
Congratulations, Annelise! It's good to be real both about the slog and about the gift, as you are here. Thank you for bringing this beautiful life into the world!
I'm seriously going to be chewing on this one sentence for quite a while:
"It’s growing in awareness of the value of things that are irreplaceable, like souls, and **being willing to look foolish or crazy,** when that’s what obedience requires."
As a life long people pleaser, who would love for everyone to think me reasonable and to know that my ideas make sense, this one’s a tough pill to swallow. But I think it’s an opportunity to clarify whose opinion and what standard is driving our choices, uncomfortable as it is.
Newish reader here. Congratulations!
Also, if there’s one thing that drives me bonkers, it’s people saying “Oh I could NEVER do what you’re doing.” I didn’t spring fully formed from Zeus’s head knowing how to make bread/nurse a toddler/etc—these are to an extent learnable skills! And I love that you pointed out that the necessary grace generally arrives just in time.
So glad you’re here, Elizabeth! And yes, I often have to remind myself that my kids will not be the same age they are now when I have the baby, or that having more children is not having 5 toddlers at once. We tend to make some funny jumps as we imagine the future, and while it’s always very challenging, it’s never quite what we envision, and we’ve usually grown by the time we get there!
Congratulations on your new little one!
There were too many helpful moments in this essay to list, but one of my favorites was:
“My point in saying this is that you’re never going to get grace before you need it. Isn’t that the life of faith? You take the step, trusting you will have what you need to see it through, but this usually means starting before you’re ready.”
Thank you so much, Margaret!
Congratulations! As one who has had some "wait are we pregnant with #4?" testing in recent months.... along with the complicated inner / marital / outward dialogues..... I felt the part below in my bones. It's always going to be countercultural and looked askance upon (even Christian circles) to not take controlling measures past the respectable number of children, so I'm really grateful for you giving us a glimpse into your life and head. That another way of thinking about procreation is at least possible and it's not for the heroic who muster up enough grit. (Is it incredibly weird that I was thinking about you recently and had this thought that you were pregnant??)
"Past a certain number of children, people say some really weird stuff. And when you’re constantly asked, “Are you going to have more7?” it can feel like there’s no winning. Do you say, “Yes! Every two years ‘til I'm dead!” or do you say, “Definitely not.” How can you say that and be sure? Usually I land on, “Well, we’d like to have a little more space, but we’re holding things loosely” and then even this leaves me feeling foolish.
But the truth is that part of humility is learning what matters and whose opinion you care about. It’s growing in awareness of the value of things that are irreplaceable, like souls, and being willing to look foolish or crazy, when that’s what obedience requires. It’s grappling with your own doubts, and holding your plans loosely. It’s painful, but I think maybe it’s very good for us. Living by conviction is never going to make us popular, and it’s likely never going to result in us fitting in. It’s going to be a little humiliating. Being willing to burst the illusory bubble of control isn’t a popular choice, but have you ever really been in control?"
Hahaha! Well, perhaps I communicated subliminally, because I have *almost* spilled the beans in about 10 different comments. I’m so glad to provide some solidarity to the mixed emotions of this journey. It’s really difficult to not just toe the line of convention, but God keeps showing up. And I always look around and think — I don’t know which one of these kids I can imagine not having!
When someone asks the "are you done/will you have more" question, it feels fraught with judgment. And I think it is often, though by no means always, meant that way. The person is trying to figure you out.
Annelise, you give a good response, I think, although I understand the feeling of foolishness, too, which I also feel. But that's the sort of thing I say, too; in our current discernment and my current age, it's something like, "We may not have any more kids, but of course it would be a blessing if a child came anyways!"
That seems to walk the line for me between "none of your beeswax" and "Quiverfull" and "hell no."
It is truly an impossible question, but I try to not get too annoyed by it. I think most people are just trying to wrap their head around a mindset that is so far from the general cultural one. I think maybe it was Emily Stimpson Chapman who had something in a Q&A a while back about how it was probably okay to say you you’d “like” to be done having children, but how leaving the door open for humility and God to work was important. It’s this subtle acknowledgement that our plans are subject to change and we’re not the ultimate authority.
Lol. I don’t have a solid answer either. When I’m feeling charitable with the, “how do you do it all with 5 children?!” question, I usually say, “the grace of the Lord.” Otherwise I say something like, “these people are crazy. What makes you think i’m doing/handling/managing anything?! Have you seen my kids at church?!” Hahaha.
Some good friends just had their 9th and the
husband keeps getting, “so 9? Is that it?” To which he sarcastically responds, “oh yeah. 9. That was the magic number all along. You guessed it.” 😂
I like that, Dixie! We have not yet perfected our own answer..... I think because so many people take permanent measures these days, anything less than "Yep, totally done!" leaves many people perplexed. Your responses here toe the line of extremes thoughtfully.
I'm gonna be honest, I used to just shrug and say, "I don't know." After 10 kids now when I'm asked that question I just say, "Well, we're not planning on it, but only #2,3,4 were planned to begin with so, we're just along for the ride at this point."
Love your future grace reference--God hasn't given you the grace to handle something...because he hasn't asked you to handle it. And when he does, he will. Thanks, Annelise. And truly, congrats.
I always want to see the grace ahead of time and know how it’s going to work, but that’s not the way life goes, so I’m trying to get on board :) Thanks for reading!
Sooo many congrats! What a wonderful witness to trusting God with fertility and his (crazy to us) timing.
There were so many lines from this piece that hit home for me, despite being in a very different (opposite, almost) place in life. Trusting in grace for each day and not the catastrophic hypothetical scenarios I can call to mind is a real thing that God seems to be calling me to work on by, surprise, giving me grace for each day. 😂
I’m so glad to hear this post was encouraging to you, Kerri! Grace for each day. It’s not the most comfortable place to be, but it’s good.
Well first, congratulations!! I will certainly be keeping you and family in prayers! And Second, sorry I forgot the warning labels. Those two litanies pack a serious spiritual punch 😅
I will know for the next time 😂 I have no regrets, but they definitely do some work!
Wow go you! And congratulations on another precious child. I truly hope it all goes well and I do so appreciate the reminder that when we ask God for things, He may give them in ways we don't expect. It's so easy to put Him in a box!
Thank you, Kym!
What an exciting update, congratulations! So many true and quotable parts of this post. As you know we *only* have four kids but we still got a lot of uninvited opinions about having more kids after our second had medical issues. I've never regretted the two that came after, in fact I'm really quite fond (head over heels) of them.
This--"What a gift to be living a good story, even when it might be a bit miserable in the middle" is close to what I had in mind when I named my Substack "Good and Beautiful Things". Not in a Sunday School, Overly Chipper kind of way but in acknowledgement of the undeniable truth that hard is intertwined with the good and the beautiful.
Right? Which of the kids would you not want to have is such an impossible question. As much as I’ve struggled to imagine having them, it would be even harder to imagine the opposite. People just must need to say things. I try not to take it personally but sometimes 😅
Wow, what a journey you’ve been on the last couple of months. I already thought your move was hero level status — but this? Your surrender and trust are inspiring to me!
Thank you, Kristine! To be honest I mostly just feel tired most of the time, but trying to give myself a lot of grace for the transition.
Honestly I think tiredness and fatigue can be an odd sort of gift that makes it easier to surrender in a way many of us (or at least I) try to muscle through. I’ve done a lot of white knuckling in life, and the times when I’ve been stripped of the energy, physically, to do that but still have to get through challenges in life — have been some of the most fruitful.
Praying continued blessings in your new home! Also… get yourself some Tick Keys. We’ve got one on every set of keys in our house and I keep once in my wallet. 👍🏻
Yes, I totally know what you mean! It interrupts my overfunctioning.
And thanks for the tip! Might be adding those to my Amazon cart!
Holy crap! You are Wonder Woman! Congratulations!!!!!!!
A very sleepy, hungry version 😉 I’m trying to tell myself that at least on the days I can’t get much organizing or unpacking done, that I’m still growing a whole human being (isn’t that just insane? That women walk around for months growing a person?)
Congratulations! I know the ovulating as an act of God moment and that odd mix of humor and fear and elation. Thank you for sharing-it’s always so hopeful to remember we are not lone on this journey that is so counter cultural. And I adore the story metaphor/way of thinking, it helps so so much.
“Odd mix of humor and fear” about sums it up. My text message history to a close friend and my husband around the time I found out is full on roller coaster level 😂
I will never forget telling my husband-it was like something out of a comedy. He was with the two kiddos downstairs trying on Halloween costumes while they shouted for Mama-and I just wordlessly brought down the test
What wonderful news! Thank you for sharing your heart journey with us; I was blessed by this essay. ❤️
Thank you so much for reading!
And as someone who always just wants to hear congrats even when people don’t get it, glad you’re getting a lot of congrats here :).
Congrats, Annelise! I get this… and pray for you as your move and pregnancy collide. Hope you’re enjoying NC life, isn’t it beautiful? Lived in Raleigh 10 years. You are by the coast?
Yes, we’re between Jacksonville and Wilmington :) Enjoying the beach and all the green. Still getting used to the bugs and humidity 😉
Congratulations, Annelise! It's good to be real both about the slog and about the gift, as you are here. Thank you for bringing this beautiful life into the world!
Thank you, Dixie! Yes, we’re all for both/and here :)
I'm seriously going to be chewing on this one sentence for quite a while:
"It’s growing in awareness of the value of things that are irreplaceable, like souls, and **being willing to look foolish or crazy,** when that’s what obedience requires."
As a life long people pleaser, who would love for everyone to think me reasonable and to know that my ideas make sense, this one’s a tough pill to swallow. But I think it’s an opportunity to clarify whose opinion and what standard is driving our choices, uncomfortable as it is.