"In the same way that knowing and loving my husband provided a way forward when things were very difficult, I think knowing and loving Jesus provides a way forward when the next steps feel a bit muddled." This was so beautiful! Thank you for letting us glimpse into this wonderful mystery alongside you.
I think it’s taken some time and maturity to realize that some of the best support comes from people who may not understand the particularities but are physically present. I think we need people who understand, too, but maybe the emphasis on being perfectly understood is a misplaced barrier to community.
When my wife and I were married, we had both lived apart in graduate school for four years. Our premarital counselor, a pastor, asked us questions to which we smiled and gave stock answers, knowing in our hearts there was trouble beneath the surface. The first few years were really hard. Thank God, by his grace, we are happily married, 35 years along. But few people understand what a struggle it can be. Great post.
You just don’t know what you don’t know, and honestly that may be a mercy. Not that you don’t try to know, but we all bring in our loaded suitcases of “stuff” no matter how much we think we don’t.
Loved reading this Annelise. Thanks for sharing. Welcome home✨
I can so relate to never doing things in a way that doesn’t disrupt a status quo somewhere, for someone. Some of us were meant to blaze trails—that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. It’s a lonelier path for sure, but I’ve come to see it’s a calling, and if something is a calling then we will have the strength to do it!
Welcome to the family! I’ve been reading your work for a while and have always been (surprised? amused?) you weren’t Catholic. Anyways, I have two young sons, am a little “farm-y” (we have chickens) and am also a classically trained violinist from a young age (though absolutely not as skilled as you), so I relate to you and enjoy your writing. I’ll be praying for you!
Do you still play? We are deep in music-land for my oldest 3 (11 years- piano, 9 yo- violin, 7 yo- cello) and I have a hard time seeing a clear future for them sometimes. My 11 year old wants ten children! I would love that! But she also practices piano for two hours a day (her goal) and writes stories and draws.
I have always (until recent years when there wasn’t much opportunity) played in the context of church music and that is never a waste. I also know many mothers (not myself at the moment) who teach music lessons, and for whom that is a supplementary income source for their family. Personally, I have always had nursing babies that were not very predictable and too small of a house, but I’m not ruling it out in the future. What I can do easily, and without preparation is talk to my kids about music and composers and play “name that composer” without preparation. Playing the piano is an especially lovely tool for home worship and singing (violin is not as conducive).
I don’t think music ever goes to waste, even if sometimes it doesn’t make monetary sense. I don’t regret my music degree, but I’m also glad I didn’t go into debt to get it.
Thank you! The part about music never being wasted is usually where we come down but it’s hard to know for sure!
Playing in the philharmonic is not very part time- it’s maybe doable for a mom depending on her husband’s work situation and extended family help. It would be cool if a quartet was one’s part-time job!
So beautifully said! As a lifelong Catholic, I always admire the perspective of converts, and I also admire your commitment to wading through the paperwork because what was on the other side was that important. It’s very analogous to marriage and you said that was comforting because you have done it before. Thank you for sharing!
I think I remember you saying that you’ve got your own story here, so thanks for reading. And thanks for writing such good summer guides! I think it’s my Achilles heel, I literally told my husband that “I hate summer because I’m supposed to be fun and there’s no schedule” 😂 (was I having a *moment*? Mayyybe)
Yes, I do! I really admire and respect what you have shared about your journey to this point.
I think, in many ways, you and others, especially here on the stack, have helped me see anew and have gratitude for the faithfulness of the few members of my vast, entirely Catholic family (on dad’s side) who are still actively living their faith and share common language, even when they haven’t known what to do with my oddball place in the family.
The persistence of an ancient faith is a gift, and though my path is somewhat different, my awe and wonder are immense in how He calls us forward on the Way.
Welcome to the Church! 💕 I just celebrated my 10th anniversary of becoming Catholic this Easter, and your description of the opposing needs of telling the truth and belonging is spot on. Outside of my circle of Catholic friends (which, sadly, is getting smaller as some leave the Church), it can feel so scary to express any strong convictions and risk ridicule and rejection, even from loved ones. I struggle with this so much and usually end up staying quieter than I probably should. Alas! Maybe I’ll be bolder in another 10 years 😂
Oh my gosh I relate to your first few paragraphs so much it’s not even funny. I could have almost written it word for word (we were about two years older when we married, but the similarities are just staggering). Thank you so much for sharing this, it was incredibly healing and powerful for me to read.
I loved the newlywed story pieces in here, by the way -- the presentation of the memories was so readable and relatable and I'm sure it took a lot of effort to work together but it was *flawless* to read.
“To have two innate needs — to tell the truth and to belong — be at odds, is a type of crisis I don’t wish on anyone, and yet it seems to follow me around.”
Thank you for this, and this piece ❤️ Our family also entered the Church at Easter, after twenty years of loving Christ with all our hearts in a variety of Protestant traditions. The journey there is perfectly summed up by an innate need for the Truth complicated by the near-equal pull to belong. God bless you, sister.
Thank you so much for sharing this, and congratulations to you and your family. It's such a wild ride. I still don't have any idea what we're doing half the time, and yet there is deep peace. It's also been the most grueling year of upheaval. I feel like I'm undergoing a renovation or something. People keep making comments about how we'll have all these graces, and on the one hand I actually see that. On the other hand, I think, yes, I guess we need the graces to survive the graces? The push-pull of it all has been so real.
Annelise! I've wanted to comment since reading this on Thursday, but this was really beautiful and I really appreciated it. I guess I always have the tendency to see my spiritual life as "arriving" if x, y or z happens. But in reality we never arrive, there is always deeper to travel, there is always new sufferings, and even when we go through these challenges and come out the other side, I realize I haven't "arrived" even though I have grown and learned so much about God and myself. Anyway, that wasn't too coherent but hopefully you get my general direction!
“Looking back, I can see that some part of me was equally drawn to and terrified by the fact that my husband was not afraid to disrupt the status quo.”
I relate to this, so much. This was beautifully written and I wish you and your family the best.
I mentioned Allender’s marriage book a while back, and he talks about some of this a bit. Not that he pathologizes how we’re attracted to our spouses, but it made me wonder how much our marriages can be an invitation towards dealing with our specific baggage. I think in general, we’re often attracted to and scared of the things we need most. Like my feelings about getting off Substack Notes! Sounds great, minus the part where I have to be uncomfortable 😅
Marriage is mysterious in that, yes, we choose, but wow, over time God really gives us what we need in ways we couldn’t have wanted, or known we needed, when we first entered the covenant.
This was a pleasure and honor to read. The connection to your marriage was really beautiful, and it's lodged in my mind as an apt comparison to these types things.
Thanks, Haley. (Picture me, sitting with a cup of coffee, desperately trying to wake up and having imposter syndrome about everything I’ve ever written and done 😅)
Maybe I missed this, but how did you all decide to become Catholic? Were either of you raised Catholic??
Also, I didn't end up signing up for Lore's summer "book" club. I deleted the apps off my phone a few weeks ago, and I still plan to take time off social media this summer. Do you think it will be helpful to be in the book club and not just delete the apps on your own?? I'm feeling FOMO that I didn't sign up. Haha.
No, you didn’t miss anything, I mentioned that we were going through OCIA this fall but have stayed pretty quiet about it because it’s not been the simplest thing. Kind of a long and windy route — you’re welcome to e-mail me. I’m happy to talk to friends :)
And yea, ha! I’m feeling the opposite of FOMO, like man, I actually don’t want to lose my distractions and feel my feelings. But I know it will be good for me, I needed the accountability and I like the encouragement to keep working on the long form work and try to navigate the creative piece without feeling as attached. We shall see how it goes.
Who wants to feel their feelings?! No one. Haha. I am sure it will be great!
My husband was raised Catholic (my FIL is one of 13 kids). But when my husband was in college, his parents decided to leave the Catholic church and started going to a different church. I grew up Lutheran (my family still is), and I sometimes miss the traditions and structure of the Lutheran church.
"In the same way that knowing and loving my husband provided a way forward when things were very difficult, I think knowing and loving Jesus provides a way forward when the next steps feel a bit muddled." This was so beautiful! Thank you for letting us glimpse into this wonderful mystery alongside you.
Thanks for reading, Kerri, and all the questions & conversation.
It’s a pleasure!
"the support of people who didn’t understand but still showed up"
I loved this whole beautiful story but this line—I want to keep it. I want to be that person and have them in my life.
I think it’s taken some time and maturity to realize that some of the best support comes from people who may not understand the particularities but are physically present. I think we need people who understand, too, but maybe the emphasis on being perfectly understood is a misplaced barrier to community.
Just wanted to say thanks for this post, and from a fellow Catholic (and someone who relates a bit to your marriage experience), welcome! 🌻
Thank you!
When my wife and I were married, we had both lived apart in graduate school for four years. Our premarital counselor, a pastor, asked us questions to which we smiled and gave stock answers, knowing in our hearts there was trouble beneath the surface. The first few years were really hard. Thank God, by his grace, we are happily married, 35 years along. But few people understand what a struggle it can be. Great post.
You just don’t know what you don’t know, and honestly that may be a mercy. Not that you don’t try to know, but we all bring in our loaded suitcases of “stuff” no matter how much we think we don’t.
Loved reading this Annelise. Thanks for sharing. Welcome home✨
I can so relate to never doing things in a way that doesn’t disrupt a status quo somewhere, for someone. Some of us were meant to blaze trails—that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. It’s a lonelier path for sure, but I’ve come to see it’s a calling, and if something is a calling then we will have the strength to do it!
Thank you, Amber! I’d honestly prefer a different role. The constant dilemma of a people pleaser with strong convictions.
Welcome to the family! I’ve been reading your work for a while and have always been (surprised? amused?) you weren’t Catholic. Anyways, I have two young sons, am a little “farm-y” (we have chickens) and am also a classically trained violinist from a young age (though absolutely not as skilled as you), so I relate to you and enjoy your writing. I’ll be praying for you!
Do you still play? We are deep in music-land for my oldest 3 (11 years- piano, 9 yo- violin, 7 yo- cello) and I have a hard time seeing a clear future for them sometimes. My 11 year old wants ten children! I would love that! But she also practices piano for two hours a day (her goal) and writes stories and draws.
I have always (until recent years when there wasn’t much opportunity) played in the context of church music and that is never a waste. I also know many mothers (not myself at the moment) who teach music lessons, and for whom that is a supplementary income source for their family. Personally, I have always had nursing babies that were not very predictable and too small of a house, but I’m not ruling it out in the future. What I can do easily, and without preparation is talk to my kids about music and composers and play “name that composer” without preparation. Playing the piano is an especially lovely tool for home worship and singing (violin is not as conducive).
I don’t think music ever goes to waste, even if sometimes it doesn’t make monetary sense. I don’t regret my music degree, but I’m also glad I didn’t go into debt to get it.
Thank you! The part about music never being wasted is usually where we come down but it’s hard to know for sure!
Playing in the philharmonic is not very part time- it’s maybe doable for a mom depending on her husband’s work situation and extended family help. It would be cool if a quartet was one’s part-time job!
Ha! I think I’ve confused a few people.
And my current level of skill is very debatable 🤪. I’ve barely played over the last couple years so I hope it doesn’t all just disappear.
So beautifully said! As a lifelong Catholic, I always admire the perspective of converts, and I also admire your commitment to wading through the paperwork because what was on the other side was that important. It’s very analogous to marriage and you said that was comforting because you have done it before. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for reading :)
Really enjoy hearing your perspective on this! Thank you for sharing! And also for sharing my posts! ❤️
I think I remember you saying that you’ve got your own story here, so thanks for reading. And thanks for writing such good summer guides! I think it’s my Achilles heel, I literally told my husband that “I hate summer because I’m supposed to be fun and there’s no schedule” 😂 (was I having a *moment*? Mayyybe)
Yes, I do! I really admire and respect what you have shared about your journey to this point.
I think, in many ways, you and others, especially here on the stack, have helped me see anew and have gratitude for the faithfulness of the few members of my vast, entirely Catholic family (on dad’s side) who are still actively living their faith and share common language, even when they haven’t known what to do with my oddball place in the family.
The persistence of an ancient faith is a gift, and though my path is somewhat different, my awe and wonder are immense in how He calls us forward on the Way.
Welcome to the Church! 💕 I just celebrated my 10th anniversary of becoming Catholic this Easter, and your description of the opposing needs of telling the truth and belonging is spot on. Outside of my circle of Catholic friends (which, sadly, is getting smaller as some leave the Church), it can feel so scary to express any strong convictions and risk ridicule and rejection, even from loved ones. I struggle with this so much and usually end up staying quieter than I probably should. Alas! Maybe I’ll be bolder in another 10 years 😂
Thanks for reading!
Oh my gosh I relate to your first few paragraphs so much it’s not even funny. I could have almost written it word for word (we were about two years older when we married, but the similarities are just staggering). Thank you so much for sharing this, it was incredibly healing and powerful for me to read.
You’re welcome, thanks for reading Kelly!
I loved the newlywed story pieces in here, by the way -- the presentation of the memories was so readable and relatable and I'm sure it took a lot of effort to work together but it was *flawless* to read.
High praise! But thank you :)
FLAWLESS
“To have two innate needs — to tell the truth and to belong — be at odds, is a type of crisis I don’t wish on anyone, and yet it seems to follow me around.”
Thank you for this, and this piece ❤️ Our family also entered the Church at Easter, after twenty years of loving Christ with all our hearts in a variety of Protestant traditions. The journey there is perfectly summed up by an innate need for the Truth complicated by the near-equal pull to belong. God bless you, sister.
Thank you so much for sharing this, and congratulations to you and your family. It's such a wild ride. I still don't have any idea what we're doing half the time, and yet there is deep peace. It's also been the most grueling year of upheaval. I feel like I'm undergoing a renovation or something. People keep making comments about how we'll have all these graces, and on the one hand I actually see that. On the other hand, I think, yes, I guess we need the graces to survive the graces? The push-pull of it all has been so real.
Annelise! I've wanted to comment since reading this on Thursday, but this was really beautiful and I really appreciated it. I guess I always have the tendency to see my spiritual life as "arriving" if x, y or z happens. But in reality we never arrive, there is always deeper to travel, there is always new sufferings, and even when we go through these challenges and come out the other side, I realize I haven't "arrived" even though I have grown and learned so much about God and myself. Anyway, that wasn't too coherent but hopefully you get my general direction!
Thanks so much, Christy. I do know what you mean. The daily living it out usually feels a bit like a slog, but then we look back and see...
“Looking back, I can see that some part of me was equally drawn to and terrified by the fact that my husband was not afraid to disrupt the status quo.”
I relate to this, so much. This was beautifully written and I wish you and your family the best.
I mentioned Allender’s marriage book a while back, and he talks about some of this a bit. Not that he pathologizes how we’re attracted to our spouses, but it made me wonder how much our marriages can be an invitation towards dealing with our specific baggage. I think in general, we’re often attracted to and scared of the things we need most. Like my feelings about getting off Substack Notes! Sounds great, minus the part where I have to be uncomfortable 😅
Marriage is mysterious in that, yes, we choose, but wow, over time God really gives us what we need in ways we couldn’t have wanted, or known we needed, when we first entered the covenant.
Enjoy being off Notes. Freedom!
This was a pleasure and honor to read. The connection to your marriage was really beautiful, and it's lodged in my mind as an apt comparison to these types things.
<3
Thanks, Haley. (Picture me, sitting with a cup of coffee, desperately trying to wake up and having imposter syndrome about everything I’ve ever written and done 😅)
Maybe I missed this, but how did you all decide to become Catholic? Were either of you raised Catholic??
Also, I didn't end up signing up for Lore's summer "book" club. I deleted the apps off my phone a few weeks ago, and I still plan to take time off social media this summer. Do you think it will be helpful to be in the book club and not just delete the apps on your own?? I'm feeling FOMO that I didn't sign up. Haha.
No, you didn’t miss anything, I mentioned that we were going through OCIA this fall but have stayed pretty quiet about it because it’s not been the simplest thing. Kind of a long and windy route — you’re welcome to e-mail me. I’m happy to talk to friends :)
And yea, ha! I’m feeling the opposite of FOMO, like man, I actually don’t want to lose my distractions and feel my feelings. But I know it will be good for me, I needed the accountability and I like the encouragement to keep working on the long form work and try to navigate the creative piece without feeling as attached. We shall see how it goes.
Who wants to feel their feelings?! No one. Haha. I am sure it will be great!
My husband was raised Catholic (my FIL is one of 13 kids). But when my husband was in college, his parents decided to leave the Catholic church and started going to a different church. I grew up Lutheran (my family still is), and I sometimes miss the traditions and structure of the Lutheran church.