I’ve just finished pouring coffee - decaf - and made sure all the children are downstairs before breaking into the dairy free chocolate chips. The baby is asleep in the carrier and the dishwasher hums. Naptime was less of a fight than usual, though the toddler is still attempting to fix his crib with his tools instead of sleep. These days I count anytime he stays in bed as a win. I woke up overwhelmed this morning, already feeling behind. Disciplining myself to write three pages of nothing felt silly, but somehow it still helped. “I just need to get my body and brain to get with the program so I can be a needless robot” I write. As soon as I’ve written it I know that it’s both true and untrue. On some level robotic productivity is what I expect of myself. But I know there’s more to it than that.
Stephen Borges proposed something called polyvagal theory in 19941. The basic premise is that people experience a whole spectrum of nervous system activation on a continuum from parasympathetic dorsal vagal, where the body is shutdown, immobilized, or dissociated, to parasympathetic ventral vagal, where there is an optimum level of nervous system activation - “safe and social” they call it.2 This spectrum is often referred to as the polyvagal ladder, with “safe” at the top, and "immobilization” at the bottom. The two ends are both governed by the autonomic nervous system, or ANS. The state in between is one called “mobilization” governed by the parasympathetic nervous system - you may have heard this referred to as the “fight, flight” response. Polyvagal theory adds a little more nuance to this, in that mobilization can be both safe or unsafe. The state of play, for example is an activated state where we are mobilized, but it’s mixed with the ANS response of safety to facilitate social engagement. A person might experience any combination of these states within a day - sleeping for example is dorsal vagal, while running into the street to grab a straying child is a highly mobilized parasympathetic response. The problem is that for people who’ve experienced trauma, sometimes the brain gets stuck with the ANS blaring “danger, danger”which makes it that much harder to hear any of the signals that should tell you you’re safe. Imagine a fire alarm that always gets set off by the steam from the shower. That’s your ANS on trauma.
Paul writes, “But we have this precious treasure [the good news about salvation] in [unworthy] earthen vessels [of human frailty], so that the grandeur and surpassing greatness of the power will be [shown to be] from God [His sufficiency] and not from ourselves…( 2 Corinthians 4:7 AMP)
Sometimes there’s a loud bully in my head who sneers when I sit down to write, “Work before play. This isn’t useful. Who wants to read this? Why aren’t you doing x,y,z…?” I try to tell the mean voice that being a human being matters too, but I’m not sure it listens very well. After all, the voice has a point. Last night I wasted twenty minutes trying to make a poem cooperate. It didn’t. The first lines are still rolling around in my head and nothing rhymes. “Why is the chicken always frozen/ and why is dinner late?” I wanted to write about what it feels like to be pulled between physical reality and my head all the time. How do I exist in both places? How do mothers do creative work? I sometimes wonder if my brain is a design flaw. What is this compulsive need to write? I think about giving it all up, but later I find myself writing an essay in my head while showering. I’m late again. The chicken is still frozen. I might be a better housekeeper if I didn’t write, but I also might not be alive.3
My therapist wonders out loud if other cultures do a better job of expressing emotion. “We just shoot people.” The list of acceptable physical outlets for the pent up rage of being wronged is very short. Perhaps there’s nothing inherently wrong with the impulse that wants to break something, or scream. Do those who’ve witnessed egregious wrongs need a place to discharge their anguish? Instead we’re taught to shut up and sit down. Niceness above all. Truth can be kind, but it isn’t nice. The natural world isn’t concerned with manners. When a prey animal escapes from a predator they shake themselves to release the built up adrenaline. It seems that despite daily near misses with death, animals don’t often deal with PTSD. The rabbits and deer might be better off than us. We’re just stuck in dorsal vagal, numb and frozen.
“…We are pressured in every way [hedged in], but not crushed; perplexed [unsure of finding a way out], but not driven to despair; hunted down and persecuted, but not deserted [to stand alone]; struck down, but never destroyed; always carrying around in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the [resurrection] life of Jesus also may be shown in our body. For we who live are constantly [experiencing the threat of] being handed over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the [resurrection] life of Jesus also may be evidenced in our mortal body [which is subject to death]. (2 Corinthians 4:8-10 AMP)
I have so many things I want to research, so many things I’d like to understand. But by the end of the day it’s almost 10 o’clock and I’m paralyzed at the kitchen counter, refreshing something silly on the internet or trying to research which strain of probiotic is best for one of my children. My husband tries to say hello, but I’ve disappeared. “You’re in another world” he says ruefully. My brain has once again floated into a strictly cerebral space and time slips by. His words shake me loose a little and I wrestle with the familiar feelings of guilt. Sometimes I don’t know how I get way up there, and I know even less about how to get down. A few minute later I land with a thud when I realized that I’ve nearly put another pair of contacts over the ones already in my eyes. Later I slide into bed and notice that everything hurts.
“Resilience” is what they call your ability to toggle adeptly between nervous system states. Some people’s toggle switch is broken. There are things you can do - but they take work. A recently patented protocol called, “Safe and Sound” uses targeted sound waves to mediate the vagus nerve and re-wire your brain - your inner ear specifically - to tune itself towards safety4. Unconscious threat detection happens in a split second - your autonomic nervous system’s judgement call. Neuroception is the fancy word for your body’s miraculous ability to determine safety or threat far before you’ve had time to think about it5. Neuroception is a real you-know-what some days. The fallout from a damaged nervous system can be infuriating. Sometimes it feels like hitting the gas and the brake at the same time, then watching helpless as your car skids off the road because you’ve lost control. When your autonomic nervous system - remember “autonomic” is similar to “automatic” - takes over, you don’t have a choice in what happens. It’s not in your head. It’s in your body. Is there anything worse than the helplessness caused by the thing that’s trying so hard to help you?
“…So physical death is [actively] at work in us, but [spiritual] life is [actively at work] in you. Yet we have the same spirit of faith as he had, who wrote in the Scripture, “I believed, therefore I spoke.” We also believe, therefore we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will also raise us with Jesus and will present us [along] with you in His presence. For all [these] things are for your sake, so that as [God’s remarkable, undeserved] grace reaches to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of [our great] God.” (2 Corinthians 4:
I often wonder why. Why did I have to deal with the things I did? Why do I feel the need to write? Why chronic illness? Why all the difficulty. Why. Why. Why. Why does anyone deal with any of it? Why will my children inevitably bear the scars from my own brokenness despite my best efforts to the contrary? It’s not if you experience trauma in your life, it’s when.
Neuroplasticity is the brain’s remarkable ability to learn new patterns. Synapses, no matter how entrenched, can begin to rewire. Parts of the brain that have never “talked”, can learn to communicate. Nothing is set in stone. And while it can’t be completely restored, there’s so much healing that can and does happen. Nervous systems heal and bodies can learn safety. Slowly, incrementally, the renewing of our mind is possible. Perhaps in this physical fragmentation and healing, we see our spiritual reality reflected.
“Therefore we do not become discouraged [spiritless, disappointed, or afraid]. Though our outer self is [progressively] wasting away, yet our inner self is being [progressively] renewed day by day. For our momentary, light distress [this passing trouble] is producing for us an eternal weight of glory [a fullness] beyond all measure [surpassing all comparisons, a transcendent splendor and an endless blessedness]! So we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are unseen; for the things which are visible are temporal [just brief and fleeting], but the things which are invisible are everlasting and imperishable.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 AMP)
Thanks be to God.
Reading: I finished Beth Moore’s memoir this week. 10/10. Just read it if you haven’t! I’m in the middle of a fluff book called Carrie De Soto is Back - competitive tennis is a nice enough escape but it’s too early to tell if it’ll get weird. Snagged
’s book on Kindle for $1 so that’s been added to my ever growing TBR.Life: The next few weeks have a family wedding and I need to prioritize work for our homeschool co-op. All this alongside the normal hubbub of a busy family, a garden that’s about to get going (minus my sad carrots that didn’t germinate) and the unexpected adventures that summer can bring. I’m giving myself permission to go MIA if needed but I’ll be back in a few weeks if you don’t hear from me.
Stephen Porges PhD. (n.d.). https://www.stephenporges.com/about
What is polyvagal theory. Polyvagal Institute. (n.d.-b). https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory
Writing was the key to unlocking the burdens I couldn’t begin to say out loud. God rescued me, yes. But he used writing as a lifeboat.
What is the SSP. (n.d.). https://www.whatisthessp.com
What is polyvagal theory. Polyvagal Institute. (n.d.-b.). https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory
This resonates so much with me. I struggle with having lots of ideas and bursts of creative energy but also (hidden) chronic pain, frequent illness, and a passel of kids to homeschool and care for. It's like my mind and my body are at odds. This year I've come to the realization that this is something I should accept rather than fight. Yes, I'm quirky, I'm up and down, and I fluctuate between needing a season of cocooning and a season of activity. You know what? It's okay. God is good.
I love reading everything you write! I too live inside my head and often find myself so far up or out in daydreams or creative endeavors that never become anything when I could be cleaning, laundrying, etc
Also currently learning how to rewire my brain to get out of constant fight or flight and support how it actually works.
Thank you for continuing to write and put it out in the world ❤️